Well crap
by Biggest-Baddest-Wolf
Summary: A funny short thing that sprang to mind while working on another story, which this short bit didn't fit into. B'Elanna finds out the hard way that Seven has a very efficient sense of humor.
1. Chapter 1

_**Well crap...**_

**Author: **Cesar Saez (aka Biggest_Baddest_Wolf)

**Author's notes: **Just a little something that played through my mind while working on a huge, huge, HUGE story that I've been working on for a very, very, very long time now.  
This idea didn't fit in with the bigger story, but it also wouldn't let me put it aside, so I just had to put this idea into it's own little story.  
It's a funny little bit, though my writing possibly doesn't do justice to the way it played out in my mind, but that's the thing with translating visual, living things into static, written description, especially when done in a language not one's own.  
Still, I hope it gets across some of the imagery that it's about, and maybe gets a few good laughs, chuckles, smiles or even a little grin.  
The title is "Well crap..." as it seemed the way to sum up what sort of things this work is about.  
** Update: Now that I've written it, it haunts me again... it wants a sequel, or sequels... oh no, I've created a monster... lol

**Copyright blahblah: **Seen it on TV or in any other copyrighted work, then it isn't mine.  
Unless I put it in there in the first place, which I didn't.  
Unless it means I'm going to get a buttload of money and long lines of fabulous women out of it, then yes, I came up with it first and it's all mine, and anyone who really holds the copyrights can blow--- errr... okay, I just realized that I don't have a small army of rabid ferrets or fancy lawyers, while the copyright holders probably do, so... no copyright infringement intended, please don't sue my broke ass, so I can stay out of jail where I'd be way too popular.  
And now, on with the writing!

_**=-=**_

Engineering was bustling with activity thanks to Voyager having hit a peaceful part of the otherwise hostile Delta quadrant, which left the department with enough time to get old repair and maintenance jobs done, as well as indulge in some pet projects – improvements to the ship, experiments without real purpose other than science, things that held the middle between the former.  
One of the consoles had been occupied by the Chief Engineer, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres, who for the last two hours had been so pre-occupied with her work that she hadn't noticed the arrival of Seven, the Astrometrics chief who had always been a source of frustration to B'Elanna, even if the two had recently become friends.  
"Lieutenant Torres", Seven started, "I would like a word in private with you."  
B'Elanna straightened up and swung around with a startled look, then groaned, "No. I'm busy, Seven. And whatever you have to say you can say to me here."  
Seven tilted her head, raised a brow which caused the implant over her eye to rise up, then slightly smirked, "Indeed."  
She took in a deep breath, then spoke loud enough for everyone within earshot to hear it, "Lieutenant Torres, it is not my business for what you utilize Holodeck two. However, next time you choose to store a modified copy of 'Warrior women at the river of blood', and wish to keep others from opening the file, it would be preferrable if you did not store it using the filename of one of my transwarp coil designs, which I simulate to see how efficient the designs are."  
B'Elanna, who now seemed to be frozen in some unnatural stasis, simply stared at Seven, her eyes wide, her mouth even wider.  
Seven's smirk now widened to one that everyone could see, and she continued, "Also, while anatomically correct, your holographic representation of me in that novel could not really be representing me, as I would consider it inefficient to arrive at a battle with no armor and weapons, unless you consider that little vibrating device an efficient weapon."  
Most of the other Engineers quickly ran for the exit, fearing a major escalation of the situation if their Chief caught them laughing.  
Only Vorik remained in place, pondering why B'Elanna had been so affected by what just took place, until it hit him due to Seven's next remark, "One thing however is accurate, Lieutenant. I would indeed challenge you to fight me, I would indeed best you in battle, and I would indeed use the vibrating device after besting you, to make you scream."  
Seven watched as Vorik, too, now hurried towards the exit, then she leaned to B'Elanna, her smirk now threatening to split her face, and whispered, "But what I really had to say, Lieutenant, was that I wanted to request your assistance in Astrometrics. I upgraded the long range sensors, but they require some more work, which falls under Engineering's duties. I hope that Commander Chakotay was correct in his assumption that you will forgive me this joke, it was his idea in the first place after all."  
With that, Seven turned and strode away, leaving a still baffled and stunned Chief Engineer.  
Roughly two minutes later, said Chief Engineer finally blinked, and let out a "Well crap...", before going into a roaring laughter.  
Several minutes later she wiped the back of her hand across her eyes, wiping away the tears of laughing too hard, then she finally walked towards her office to get her utility toolbelt and tricorder, plotting her revenge.

The end.... or is it?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Original characters/ships/whatever may or may not be my own, anything you seen on TV definitely isn't.  
All 'official' stuff from our beloved Trek is copyright of Paramount/Viacom, or the authors of the published works.  
But this story and the ideas that formed it, that's mine.  
So, Paramount sues me, I'm charging them rent for giving their characters and stuff a place in my work.  
And if they pay up, I might actually have enough money to avoid a trip to jail where my otherwise broke ass would be much too popular... lol

**Additional notes: **This is the follow-up to "Well crap...", a funny little thing in which Seven played a delightfully cruel joke on B'Elanna.  
I love saying "delightfully cruel", maybe a bit too much... it makes me feel like one of those straight, manly, yet oh-so effeminate villains... when I'm done writing this and it's posted, I'm grabbing me a beer, a cigar and a slice of cold pizza to restore my testosteron levels.  
Anyway, in this part, B'Elanna extracts some revenge on Seven and chakotay.  
And in keeping with my theme, Tom Paris gets a bit of abuse too.  
I like the actor, I liked the actual character, but damnit, in my stories Tom gets it, because they're my stories!  
And Chakotay... I loved that character and the actor too, even if at times (okay, many times) the character seemed to be written in as a piece of wood on a frozen tundra... but yeah, Chakotay gets it too, as already pointed out.  
Now... on with the story!

**Well Crap – Chapter II: Warrior Women at the Briefing of Blood.**

B'Elanna stood outside Holodeck two, waiting for Seven to come running out after she'd have encountered B'Elanna's revenge – an unstoppable holographic version of Captain Janeway with a minor twelve-inch adjustment, pining for a piece of former Borg.  
The hologram would have appeared by now, as this was the time at which Seven would be freezing her holographic representation of a transwarp drive, since B'Elanna made sure it would show a strange malfunction by now, throwing Seven's design schematics into disarray.  
Seven would order the computer to freeze, and that would trigger "Captain Kathryn Hardon Janeway" to make her appearance... causing Seven to flee... causing B'Elanna to get the greatest holo-vid to play and replay at every social function that the real Kathryn liked to make her attend.  
B'Elanna smirked... and waited... and waited.... and waited...

Several minutes later, the door to Holodeck one opened and a grinning Seven of Nine walked out, greeting a stumped B'Elanna as she walked by.  
"GODDAMNIT! Wait! Seven, what the hell... I mean--", B'Elanna quickly corrected herself, "Seven? Why weren't you in Holodeck two?"  
The tall blonde flashed a brief smirk, "Revenge. You are half Klingon, and you were Maquis. Two reasons why I was expecting you to try and take revenge. The Holodeck proved the most logical setting for that, so I chose to break with my usual routine. Your presence here and your outburst have proven that to be a wise couse of action. A good day to you, Lieutenant"  
With that, Seven strode away, while B'Elanna violently threw down her holo-camera and stomped on it.  
After fifteen minutes of reducing her holo-camera to tiny fragments, B'Elanna finally stormed off, her mind full of mental images in which Seven underwent several forms of punishment that would send even Kahless running for his mother.  
She decided that she needed help on getting revenge, so she went searching for Tom, the resident rat who always had some plan up his sleeve.  
"Computer, locate Tom Paris", she barked the order.  
"Lieutenant Paris is currently in the quarters of the Delaneys", the female computervoice replied.  
"Well, at least THAT hasn't changed since we dated", she whispered under a diabolical smirk, and stomped off to the Delaney quarters.

Two minutes later she was walking through the corridor to those quarters, when she heard an effeminate shriek, followed by the door to the Delaney quarters hissing open.  
Right after it opened, Tom came running out as if the devil himself had finally come to collect his soul, one hand holding up his pants while the other hand pushed a passing crewmember out of the way, and Tom ran past B'Elanna like hell.  
B'Elanna started to turn, to call Tom, but before she turned she saw Megan Delaney exit the quarters, displaying an impressive, huge piece of black rubber attached to a harnass around her hips.  
B'Elanna smirked evilly and decided that for her revenge, she no longer needed Tom's help – she just needed to borrow some things from the Delaney twins and rig a transporter.  
She quickly ran her new plan through her mind, weighing the risk of Kathryn ripping her head off and kicking it out an airlock if she found out, but then decided that it would be worth that and a lot more.

The next morning, B'Elanna showed up early for the daily briefing in the conference room.  
She took a seat right next to where Kathryn would be sitting, and watched the door, hiding a little remote control in her hand.  
"Computer, execute program Torres-Vindicate-One", she said under her breath, and the computer chirped.  
"Transporter control rerouted to remote control. Conference room door rerouted to remote control. Program will be deleted upon completion", the female voice then droned out in a dulcet tone.  
B'Elanna smirked, and waited for the others to arrive.  
Four minutes later, Kathryn arrived, and gave B'Elanna a coffee-stained smile before taking her seat.  
B'Elanna nodded a quick greeting, then noted with some amusement that Chakotay was next to arrive.  
Shortly after, Tuvok, Harry, Tom and Seven filed in.  
With Seven striding in, B'Elanna secretly pushed the only button on the remote, and did her best not to show an almost feral grin as the transporter simultaneously removed Chakotay's clothing and placed one of the Delaney's more impressive strap-ons around Seven's waist.  
B' Elanna's grin was beyond hiding when Chakotay realized what just happened, noticed the strap-on, and bolted towards the exit, only to slam – twice – into a door that opened several seconds too late.  
Seven smirked and gave B'Elanna an understanding nod, then reluctantly took her place as if nothing had happened, while Chakotay bolted out the now finally open door, leaving behind a confused little gathering and two not-so-confused women.  
Kathryn groaned, "Goddamnit, I'm switching to decaf. As soon as we get to the Alpha Quadrant or Neelix learns to cook."  
Seven again nodded at B' Elanna and quietly mouthed a "touché, Lieutenant", which didn't escape B'Elanna, who by now bursted into laughter while quickly slipping the remote up her sleeve.

=-=

Fifty minutes later, Kathryn sat in her Ready room, watching Tuvok as he presented his evidence of what had occurred during the briefing – a broken remote control that he found in the turbolift, and the strap-on he retrieved from Seven.  
As he summed up his theory, she became desperate for more coffee, and internally prayed for a Borg cube appearing so her old friend would be forced to return to the bridge.  
Her quiet prayer was partially answered when Chakotay entered, wanting to file a report for the shameful abuse he underwent.  
Kathryn grinned and ordered Tuvok to leave so Chakotay could freely tell his story, and Tuvok nodded, "Certainly, Captain. I will be on the bridge."  
During the next five boring minutes something in Kathryn snapped, and she ordered the computer, "Computer, seal the door to my Ready room, security code Janeway-Alpha-Theta-One", and reached for the strap-on, while Chakotay gulped nervously.  
On the bridge, Tuvok visibly cringed at the scream that bested Starfleet soundproofing a bit later, and again at the loud thud against the door that followed.  
He quickly decided to make his security round of the ship when several softer, faster thuds followed from within the Ready room.

=-=

The End... maybe... maybe not... :p


End file.
